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I enjoyed it.
Hope you too will.
Barber in New York City
There was once a very good barber in NEW YORK , who gave Free Haircuts to everybody
who came into his shop to have their haircuts.
One day a florist went to him for a haircut.
After the cut, he wanted to pay the barber, but the barber replied:
‘It’s alright, I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.’
The Florist was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open his shop,
there was a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door .
A policeman went for a haircut and he also wanted to pay the barber after the cut.
But the barber replied: ‘I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.’
The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open his shop, there was a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.
A Sri Lankan software engineer went for a haircut and he also wanted to pay the barber after the cut.
But the barber replied: ‘I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.’
The SL software engineer was very happy and left.
The next morning when the barber went to open his shop, guess what he found there………….
Can you guess?
Come on, think like a Srilankan….
have you got the answer ……….. ?????
come on ………….
guess
guess
guess………………………………………………
for free haircuts!
If you enjoyed this you might also enjoy reading the interesting email about a Barber and the dumbest kid in the world!
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The Still Life Pictures
What Is the Purpose of this life?
Interesting Pictures
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 These funny lawyer jokes are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
LAWYER: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
LAWYER: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan
_______________________________
LAWYER: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
LAWYER: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there..
____________________________________________
LAWYER: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
LAWYER: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
LAWYER: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
LAWYER: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
LAWYER: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
LAWYER: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________
LAWYER: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
LAWYER: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
LAWYER: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
LAWYER: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
LAWYER: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
LAWYER: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different Attorney. Can I get a new Attorney?
____________________________________________
LAWYER: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
LAWYER: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
LAWYER: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
LAWYER: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
LAWYER: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
LAWYER: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
LAWYER: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________
LAWYER: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
LAWYER: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished..
____________________________________________
LAWYER: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
LAWYER: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
LAWYER: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
LAWYER: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
–
George Davey
Update: Many people want to get there hands on a copy of the book these jokes were mentioned in and read all the other funny stories like this that happened in US courts. However our brief search didn’t turn up any book by the name mentioned in this funny email forward which were supposedly the source of these legal jests. However there are atleast 3 books on Amazon.com online bookstore that might be the source of these jokes.
If anyone knows that any of those books contain these jokes or you find the exact book called Disorder in the American Courts please leave a comment and let everyone know…
Thanks
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A lawyer is sitting in his parked BMW when a tow truck crashes into the car. The crash takes car door clean off and the driver speeds away.
The lawyer immediately signals a cop and begins ranting about how much the damage to his car is going to cost.
…
The cop replies, “You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money.”
The lawyer says, “How DARE you call me materialistic.”
The cop replies, “Well, you’ve been so concerned about your car that you didn’t notice that your arm is missing.”
The lawyer screams, “DAMMIT! My Rolex!”
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F A M I L Y
I ran into a stranger as he passed by,
‘Oh excuse me please’ was my reply.
He said, ‘Please excuse me too;
I wasn’t watching for you.’
We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said goodbye.
But at home a different story is told,
How we treat our loved ones, young and old.
Later that day, cooking the evening meal,
My son stood beside me very still.
When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
‘Move out of the way,’ I said with a frown.
He walked away, his little heart broken.
I didn’t realize how harshly I’d spoken.
While I lay awake in bed,
God’s still small voice came to me and said,
‘While dealing with a stranger,
Common courtesy you use,
But the family you love,
you seem to abuse.
Go and look on the kitchen floor,
You’ll find some flowers there by the door.
Those are the flowers he brought for you.
He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.
He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,
You never saw the tears that filled his little eyes.’
By this time, I felt very small,
And now my tears began to fall.
I quietly went and knelt by his bed;
‘Wake up, little one, wake up,’ I said.
‘Are these the flowers you picked for me?’
He smiled, ‘I found ‘em, out by the tree.
I picked ‘em because they’re pretty like you.
I knew you’d like ‘em, especially the blue.’
I said, ‘Son, I’m very sorry for the way I acted today;
I shouldn’t have yelled at you that way.’
He said, ‘Oh, Mom, that’s okay.
I love you anyway.’
I said, ‘Son, I love you too,
And I do like the flowers, especially the blue.’
FAMILY
Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company
That we are working for could easily replace us in
A matter of days.
But the family we left behind will feel the loss
For the rest of their lives.
And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more
Into work than into our own family,
An unwise investment indeed,
Don’t you think?
So what is behind the story?
Do you know what the word FAMILY means?
FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU
Pass this email message to 7 people except you and me ……..
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A Little Girl And A Father – Small Email Story
–
Angelic truth!
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just for fun only….
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…..
______________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’
‘No,’ she answered. I then said,
‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started…..
________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed,
“He’s my old boyfriend…. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started…
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
________________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started…
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started…
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started……
________________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office…
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’
And then the fight started…
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
And then the fight started……..
See Also – Funny Stories About Wifes
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Too Busy for a Friend?
One day a teacher asked her students to list the names of the other students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each name.
Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down.
It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and as the students left the room, each one handed in the papers.
That Saturday, the teacher wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper, and listed what everyone else had said about that individual.
On Monday she gave each student his or her list. Before long, the entire class was smiling. ‘Really?’ she heard whispered. ‘I never knew that I meant anything to anyone!’ and, ‘I didn’t know others liked me so much,’ where most of the comments.
No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. She never knew if they discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn’t matter. The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy with themselves and one another. That group of students moved on.
Several years later, one of the students was killed in Vietnam and his teacher attended the funeral of that special student. She had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before. He looked so handsome, so mature.
The church was packed with his friends. One by one those who loved him took a last walk by the coffin. The teacher was the last one to bless the coffin.
As she stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to her. ‘Were you Mark’s math teacher?’ he asked. She nodded: ‘yes.’ Then he said: ‘Mark talked about you a lot.’
After the funeral, most of Mark’s former classmates went together to a luncheon. Mark’s mother and father were there, obviously waiting to speak with his teacher.
‘We want to show you something,’ his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket ‘They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it.’
Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times. The teacher knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which she had listed all the good things each of Mark’s classmates had said about him.
‘Thank you so much for doing that,’ Mark’s mother said. ‘As you can see, Mark treasured it.’
All of Mark’s former classmates started to gather around. Charlie smiled rather sheepishly and said, ‘I still have my list. It’s in the top drawer of my desk at home.’
Chuck’s wife said, ‘Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album.’
‘I have mine too,’ Marilyn said. ‘It’s in my diary’
Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group. ‘I carry this with me at all times,’ Vicki said and without batting an eyelash, she continued: ‘I think we all saved our lists’
That’s when the teacher finally sat down and cried. She cried for Mark and for all his friends who would never see him again.
The density of people in society is so thick that we forget that life will end one day. And we don’t know when that one day will be.
So please, tell the people you love and care for, that they are special and important. Tell them, before it is too late.
And One Way To Accomplish This Is: Forward this message on. If you do not send it, you will have, once again passed up the wonderful opportunity to do something nice and beautiful.
If you’ve received this, it is because someone cares for you and it means there is probably at least someone for whom you care.
I hope you are not ‘too busy’ to take those few minutes right now to forward this message on, would this be the VERY first time you didn’t do that little thing that would make a difference in your relationships?
The more people that you send this to, the better you’ll be at reaching out to those you care about. Remember, you reap what you sow. What you put into the lives of others comes back into your own.
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TO ALL GRANDPARENTS; Why not install such an Answering Machine; Life may be smoother
GRANDPARENT ANSWERING MACHINE
Good morning.
. . . At present we are not at home but, pleaseLeave your message after you hear the beep. beeeeeppp …
If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of “arrival” so we know who it is.
If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, dial 9
If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theater start talking we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!”
How’s….. tha…..t? ?? ????????
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I went to a party Mom,
I remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom,
So I drank soda instead.
I really felt proud inside, Mom,
The way you said I would.
I didn’t drink and drive, Mom,
Even though the others said I should.
I know I did the right thing, Mom,
I know you are always right.
Now the party is finally ending, Mom,
As everyone is driving out of sight.
As I got into my car, Mom,
I knew I’d get home in one piece..
Because of the way you raised me,
So responsible and sweet.
I started to drive away, Mom,
But as I pulled out into the road,
The other car didn’t see me, Mom,
And hit me like a load.
As I lay there on the pavement, Mom,
I hear the policeman say,
“The other guy is drunk,” Mom,
And now I’m the one who will pay.
I’m lying here dying, Mom…..
I wish you’d get here soon.
How could this happen to me, Mom?
My life just burst like a balloon..
There is blood all around me, Mom,
And most of it is mine.
I hear the medic say, Mom,
I’ll die in a short time.
I just wanted to tell you, Mom,
I swear I didn’t drink.
It was the others, Mom.
The others didn’t think.
He was probably at the same party as I..
The only difference is, he drank
And I will die.
Why do people drink, Mom?
It can ruin your whole life.
I’m feeling sharp pains now.
Pains just like a knife.
The guy who hit me is walking, Mom,
And I don’t think it’s fair.
I’m lying here dying
And all he can do is stare.
Tell my brother not to cry, Mom.
Tell Daddy to be brave.
And when I go to heaven, Mom,
Put “GOOD BOY ” on my grave.
Someone should have told him, Mom,
Not to drink and drive.
If only they had told him, Mom,
I would still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter, Mom.
I’m becoming very scared.
Please don’t cry for me, Mom.
When I needed you, you were always there.
I have one last question, Mom.
Before I say good bye.
I didn’t drink and drive,
So why am I the one to die?
Someone took the effort to write this poem. So please, forward this
to as many people as you can. And see if we can get a chain going
around the world that will make people understand that don’t mix drinking
and driving.
PLEASE DO THE FAVOR
Thank you
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I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had
forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered,
saying ‘Hello.’
I politely said, ‘This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn
Carter?’
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
‘Get the right f***ing number!’ and the phone was slammed down on
me.
I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude.When I tracked down
Robyn ‘s correct number to call her, and after hanging up with her, I
decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled ‘You’re an asshole!’
and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it, and put
it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad
day, I’d call him up and yell, ‘You’re an asshole!’
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my
therapeutic ‘asshole’ calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, ‘Hi, this is John Smith from the
telephone company, I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our mobile Caller
ID Program?’
He yelled ‘NO!’and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, ‘That’s because you’re an
asshole!’ and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking
spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but
the idiot ignored me. I noticed a ‘For Sale ‘ sign in his back window, so
I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I
had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I’d better call the BMW
asshole, too.
I said, ‘Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?’
He said, ‘Yes, it is.’
I then asked, ‘Can you tell me where I can see it?’
He said as sweetly as he could,’Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd ,
in Fairfax . It’s a yellow ranch style house and the car’s parked right
out in front.’
I asked, ‘What’s your name?’ He said, ‘My name is Don Hansen,’
I asked, ‘When’s a good time to catch you, Don?’ He said, ‘I’m
home every evening after five.’
I said, ‘Listen, Don, can I tell you something?’ He said, ‘Yes, of
course you can?’
I said, ‘Don, you’re an asshole!’ Then I hung up, and added his
number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea…
I called asshole #1.He said,’Hello.’ I said,
‘You’re an asshole!’ (But I didn’t hang up.)
He asked, ‘Are you still there?’
I said, ‘Yeah!’
He screamed, ‘Stop calling me’.
I said, ‘Make me,’
He asked,’Who are you?’
I said,’My name is Don Hansen.’
He said, ‘Yeah? Where do you live?’
I said, ‘Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a
yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.’
He said, ‘I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers.’
I said, ‘Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole,’ and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He said, ‘Hello?’
I said, ‘Hello, asshole,’
He yelled, ‘If I ever find out who you are…’
I said,’You’ll what?’
He exclaimed,’I'll kick your ass,’
I answered,’Well, asshole, here’s your chance.I’m coming over right
now.’
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I
lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over
there to kill my gay lover.Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war
going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .
I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out
of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and
surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.
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