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funny lawyer jokes

Short Lawyer Jokes – from Disorder in the American Courts Book

funny lawyer jokesThese funny lawyer jokes are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

 

LAWYER: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

LAWYER: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan

_______________________________

LAWYER: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

LAWYER: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there..

____________________________________________

LAWYER: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

LAWYER: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

_____________________________________

LAWYER: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

LAWYER: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

_________________________________

LAWYER: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

LAWYER: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

LAWYER: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________

LAWYER: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

LAWYER: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

LAWYER: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________

LAWYER: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

LAWYER: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________________________

LAWYER: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

LAWYER: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

LAWYER: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different Attorney. Can I get a new Attorney?

____________________________________________

LAWYER: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

LAWYER: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

___________________________________________

LAWYER: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

LAWYER: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

_____________________________________

LAWYER: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

LAWYER: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

LAWYER: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral…

_________________________________________

LAWYER: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

LAWYER: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished..

____________________________________________

LAWYER: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And last:

LAWYER: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

LAWYER: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

LAWYER: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

George Davey

 

The Materialistic Lawyer

A lawyer is sitting in his parked BMW when a tow truck crashes into the car. The crash takes car door clean off and the driver speeds away.

 

The lawyer immediately signals a cop and begins ranting about how much the damage to his car is going to cost.

The cop replies, “You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money.”

 

The lawyer says, “How DARE you call me materialistic.”

 

The cop replies, “Well, you’ve been so concerned about your car that you didn’t notice that your arm is missing.”

 

The lawyer screams, “DAMMIT! My Rolex!”

 

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Funny Lawyer Jokes ~ Don’t Mess with Chinese

A American lawyer and a Chinese are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The
lawyer is thinking that Chinese are so dumb that he could get over on them
easy…So the lawyer asks if the Chinese guy would like to play a fun game.

 

The China guy is tired and just wants to take a nap so he politely declines
and tries to catch a few winks. The American lawyer persists, and says that the game is a
lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay
me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you
$500, he says. This catches the Chinese guy’s attention and to keep the
American lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

 

The American lawyer asks the first question. ‘What’s the distance from The Earth
to the Moon?’ The Chinese doesn’t say a word, reaches in his pocket
pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the American lawyer.

 

Now, it’s the Chinese guys turn. He asks the lawyer, ‘What goes up
a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’ The American lawyer uses his
laptop and searches all references he could find on the Internet. He sends e-mails to
all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he
finally gives up. He wakes up the Chinese and hands him $500. The Chinese
pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

 

The American lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Chinese up and
asks, ‘Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with
four?’

 

The Chinese reaches in his pocket, hands the American lawyer $5 and goes back to
sleep.

 

Moral of the story – Don’t mess with us Chinese.

 

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