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funny lawyer jokes

Short Lawyer Jokes – from Disorder in the American Courts Book

funny lawyer jokesThese funny lawyer jokes are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

 

LAWYER: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

LAWYER: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan

_______________________________

LAWYER: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

LAWYER: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there..

____________________________________________

LAWYER: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

LAWYER: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

_____________________________________

LAWYER: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

LAWYER: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

_________________________________

LAWYER: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

LAWYER: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

LAWYER: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________

LAWYER: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

LAWYER: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

LAWYER: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________

LAWYER: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

LAWYER: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________________________

LAWYER: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

LAWYER: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

LAWYER: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different Attorney. Can I get a new Attorney?

____________________________________________

LAWYER: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

LAWYER: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

___________________________________________

LAWYER: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

LAWYER: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

_____________________________________

LAWYER: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

LAWYER: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

LAWYER: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral…

_________________________________________

LAWYER: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

LAWYER: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished..

____________________________________________

LAWYER: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And last:

LAWYER: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

LAWYER: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

LAWYER: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

George Davey

 

Funny African Pictures Gallery – Only In Africa Funny Pictures

Who need an Expensive iPod or Walkman

africa funny pictures

I just love Africa , simple and not complicated.

We are just who we are.
No stress.
I am proud to be African.

 

African Transportation – 1 – Toyota Co(w)rolla

 

only africa pictures

Because Petrol is Expensive why not use a Cowrolla

funny signs banners

Must be Zimbabwe ???

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This vehicle was seen near Makerere , Zimbabwe

funny english signs

Listen – English is only a 2nd language !!!
You’ve got to make allowances.

funny africa pictures

African Transportation 2 – You are going to die before you even get to the Hospital

funny african roads

This was photographed in Buru Buru, Nairobi . Kenya

funny african picture

Hot water system. Home made

funny african pics

Transportation – 2 – pick-up truck !!!

funny african photos

These guys must have smoked weed!
Look at the goat.

african funny pictures

Human ingenuity?
Painting the swimming pool.

funny photo sites

‘Nuff said !!!

 

 

Please send on to anyone who loves Africa

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Yes You Can… But Not Everyone Can Do This…

Did You Know ???

 

Not Every Tree can Stand Thirst

cactus tree picture

But the Cactus Did it.

 

Not Every Animal can Represent a Nation

beautiful lion picture

But the Lion Did it.

 

Not Every Flower Can Represent Love

beautiful red roses

But Roses Did it.

 

Not Every Monkey Can Read E-Mails

zoo monkey cage

But You Did it !!!!! Congrats!!

 

PASS THIS ON TO THE NEXT MONKEY AND DON’T BREAK THE CHAIN

 

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Funny Interesting Pictures

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House on fire! What Can I do?

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Wait till I come…

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