I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had
forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered,
I politely said, ‘This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
‘Get the right f***ing number!’ and the phone was slammed down on
I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude.When I tracked down
Robyn ‘s correct number to call her, and after hanging up with her, I
decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled ‘You’re an asshole!’
and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it, and put
it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad
day, I’d call him up and yell, ‘You’re an asshole!’
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my
therapeutic ‘asshole’ calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, ‘Hi, this is John Smith from the
telephone company, I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our mobile Caller
He yelled ‘NO!’and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, ‘That’s because you’re an
asshole!’ and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking
spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but
the idiot ignored me. I noticed a ‘For Sale ‘ sign in his back window, so
I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I
had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I’d better call the BMW
I said, ‘Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?’
He said, ‘Yes, it is.’
I then asked, ‘Can you tell me where I can see it?’
He said as sweetly as he could,’Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd ,
in Fairfax . It’s a yellow ranch style house and the car’s parked right
out in front.’
I asked, ‘What’s your name?’ He said, ‘My name is Don Hansen,’
I asked, ‘When’s a good time to catch you, Don?’ He said, ‘I’m
home every evening after five.’
I said, ‘Listen, Don, can I tell you something?’ He said, ‘Yes, of
course you can?’
I said, ‘Don, you’re an asshole!’ Then I hung up, and added his
number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea…
I called asshole #1.He said,’Hello.’ I said,
‘You’re an asshole!’ (But I didn’t hang up.)
He asked, ‘Are you still there?’
I said, ‘Yeah!’
He screamed, ‘Stop calling me’.
I said, ‘Make me,’
He asked,’Who are you?’
I said,’My name is Don Hansen.’
He said, ‘Yeah? Where do you live?’
I said, ‘Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a
yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.’
He said, ‘I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers.’
I said, ‘Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole,’ and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He said, ‘Hello?’
I said, ‘Hello, asshole,’
He yelled, ‘If I ever find out who you are…’
I said,’You’ll what?’
He exclaimed,’I’ll kick your ass,’
I answered,’Well, asshole, here’s your chance.I’m coming over right
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I
lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over
there to kill my gay lover.Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war
going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .
I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out
of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and
surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.
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